Transform Regret into Growth
Regrets are human, all of us have them. This feeling happens when we look back on a decision and feel things would be better if we had chosen differently. My greatest regret is getting into a fight with my father a couple years before he died and never getting the chance to speak to him again. It took me a while to work through that one– I probably still am.
Some regrets are small, like not studying abroad in college when you got the chance. Others loom a shadow much larger such as never taking a chance on that new business or not taking good care of your health.
Regardless of the size of the regret, we typically run from this feeling. It doesn’t feel good to wish that we would have done something differently, especially when there’s not much we can do about it now. And while the sentiment behind living with “No Regrets” sounds nice, it’s an impossible undertaking, not to mention that it impedes your growth as a human being.
We often avoid uncomfortable feelings, such as regret, because they make us feel lousy and naturally, we would rather feel good about ourselves. However, learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings is an essential key to evolving and avoiding them just makes things more intense in the long run.
There are a few things we know about regrets…
Every person on this planet (aside from maybe sociopaths and psychopaths– an extremely small proportion of society) has regrets. None of us are immune to this uncomfortable emotion. In fact, it’s the second most named emotion in human conversation (ref1).
We can use regret as a tool to move forward if we don’t let it hold us back.
Accepting and learning from your regrets can improve many aspects of your life. For example, a 2014 study found that people experiencing regret had impaired self-control but regained it when they found benefits within their regret (ref2).
Author Daniel Pink has recently conducted a project where he has collected regrets from 16,000 people all over the world. In a Ted Talk podcast posted in February of 2022, he outlines his findings (ref3). I will go over the basics today but if you’re interested in more details, he also recently published a book about it titled The Power of Regret.
(You can take the World Regret Survey– still ongoing– here if you’re interested.)
In this article I will outline the 4 different types of regrets identified by Daniel Pink’s survey as well as how to use regret as a tool for self-growth. Whether your regrets are big or small, know you’re not alone in feeling this way and it’s absolutely possible to use this uncomfortable feeling as a stepping-stone on the path to your best self.
Among the 16,000 survey respondents from 109 different countries, Daniel and his team found that people’s regrets consistently fell into 4 categories(ref3):
Foundation regrets
These are regrets about decisions that affect a person’s life stability. Some common themes include not taking care of one’s health or not saving money for the future. Often these types of regrets are a result of hundreds of small choices made over a long time, such as drinking 3 sodas a day or racking up credit card debt. The consequences of these decisions may not be immediately apparent, but they add up as time goes on.
2. Boldness regrets
Shoulda, coulda, woulda. I should have started that business I wanted to; I should have asked that person out, etc. When given the option between taking a chance or not, always take the chance. People who take the chance, even when it doesn’t work out, rarely regret it. People who never take the chance always do.
3. Moral regrets
We have all done things we knew weren’t right. Maybe it was stealing a candy bar from the grocery store or lying to your mom about where you were spending the night. Or maybe instead of doing something wrong, you regret staying silent at a time where you should have spoken up. The afterthought is always, “I should have done the right thing.” and you should have. The good news is you’ll get a million more chances to do the right thing if you don’t focus on your shortfalls.
4. Connection regrets
These types of regrets can occur in any type of relationship, parent, child, friend, spouse, sibling, colleague, etc. The survey found that many relationships simply drift apart rather than blowing up. A common theme is one of, “I miss this person but I don’t want to reach out because they would think I’m weird.” But when asked, “What would you think if this person reached out to you?” people responded very positively. “That would be wonderful!” If it’s not weird for them to reach out to you, why would it be weird for you to reach out to them?
So... we all have regrets and they mostly fall into one of 4 categories. Once we identify them, how can we use that information to help us live a better life? I’ll go through the steps put forth by Daniel Pink(ref3) with my biggest regret; not getting the chance to make amends with my father before he passed away.
Self-compassion
Treat yourself with kindness. Realize that we’re all human and make mistakes that we wish we could change. Berating yourself about it will not help. In fact, it will have the opposite effect.
In the months after my dad passed I beat myself up for the fight we had and not getting the chance to talk to him in the couple years leading up to his death. I realize now that the fight was something we both participated in as adults and if I had died he would have felt the same. If I could go back and change things I would, but I realize that that’s not possible so there is no reason to ruminate over it. You have to view the experience as an opportunity to be better moving forward rather than a mistake that you needlessly obsess about.
2. Disclosure
Talk about it! When we talk about, or write down, the thoughts in our head it helps transform them from incoherent ramblings into concrete words. This helps us make sense of our feelings. Also, people want to talk about regrets! Research has found time and time again that people actually like us MORE when we expose our vulnerabilities, not less (ref4).
I’ve talked about the fight pretty extensively with my husband and friends and here I am talking about it now! It feels good to share it with others, I promise. I have found that some others have similar regrets and if not, they are very compassionate about mine. Your community can offer a point of view about it that you may not have considered before.
3. Extract (and apply!) a lesson
Daniel argues that we can use regrets “as a photographic negative of our lives” (ref3). Simply look at your regrets to see what you value most in life.
Did you say something to your child in a moment of anger that you wish you could take back? That means you recognize and value your role in shaping your child’s life.
Did you not speak up in a situation of injustice when your voice was needed? That shows you value doing the right thing and sticking up for people.
The fact that I regret the fight with my dad means that I greatly value my family connections. Since he died, I have made MUCH more of an effort to reach out to my friends and family members on a regular basis. As much as the fact that I didn’t speak to my father in the two years leading up to his death hurts, it altered my perception of my closest relationships and I now realize how precious they are to me. I am more present and involved with my family and friends than I was before his death, and I’m thankful that he gave me the gift of such an important lesson, even if it was painful.
We cannot go back and change the past, but we can move forward and shape our future. As Daniel Pink says, “Looking backward can move you forward.” (ref3) Recognize that EVERYONE has regrets and you are not alone in your feelings. Show yourself compassion, talk about your regret with others and extract– and most importantly apply!- a lesson from your experience.
If you’d like to share your regret with me or this community, feel free to comment below or e-mail me. We’re all in this humankind-thing together.
Sources Cited
Shimanoff, S. B. (1984). Commonly Named Emotions in Everyday Conversations. Perceptual and Motor Skills, 58(2), 514–514. https://doi.org/10.2466/pms.1984.58.2.514
Gao, H., Zhang, Y., Wang, F., Xu, Y., Hong, Y.-Y., & Jiang, J. (2014). Regret Causes Ego-Depletion and Finding Benefits in the Regrettable Events Alleviates Ego-Depletion. The Journal of General Psychology, 141(3), 169–206. https://doi.org/10.1080/00221309.2014.884053
Pink, D. (Guest). (2022, February 10). TED Talks Daily| 4 kinds of regret– and what they teach you about yourself. {Audio Podcast}.
Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (20180719). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(2), 192. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000120