Healing from Generational Anger: Rise from the Flames
Growing up, outrageous outbursts of anger were a common occurrence in my household. As sweet as my Nana was most of the time, she could easily flip the switch and start yelling and ranting. She could not handle stress; any perceived threat was met with fury, her shield against whatever might be trying to harm her— from someone cutting her off in traffic to my mother falling back into addiction.
In turn, I learned to react to stress and emotional pain with anger. For most of my life, I also used it as a shield, igniting a fire before the pain could reach me. This served me fairly well in a family of addicts until I became an addict myself. Since I lacked the ability to regulate my emotions, I turned to alcohol to numb them altogether. Even through the haze of alcohol, I could see that reacting with anger was painful for those around me and ultimately harmful to myself. Learning to recognize where the anger stemmed from and how to react differently was a key part of achieving and maintaining sobriety. This article will discuss what anger is, the effects of anger, and strategies to express angry emotions in a more productive, less harmful manner.
What is Anger?
Anger is an experience common to every person on Earth. While it is often an unpleasant experience, there are many things that you can learn about yourself by observing what makes you angry and how you express that anger.
When you perceive that you have been wronged, anger is the reaction and the need to correct that perceived wrong (Lazarus, 2000). It can also be seen as an attempt to obstruct attempts to obtain your personal goals (Carver & Harmon-Jones, 2009). How you choose to express your anger—and theoretically right the wrong—can range from resistance to retaliation depending on the situation.
It is important to emphasize the difference between someone’s experience of anger and how they express that anger. It is possible for someone to feel furious on the inside, but look normal on the outside. It is also possible for someone to experience a mild annoyance–such as getting cut off in traffic– and then express their anger through extreme road rage and violence. Appropriate expression of anger can be beneficial. Unfortunately, many people lack the skills to express anger in the right way at the right time which can lead to negative consequences (Fernandez & Johnson, 2016).
People who express their anger in an inappropriate or harmful way may experience problems in their relationships or other aspects of their life. One study found that “dysfunctional levels of anger are associated robustly with a variety of adverse mental and physical health consequences as well as interpersonal conflict and aggression” (Fernandez & Johnson, 2016). Experiencing anger is inevitable, but it is possible to learn to react thoughtfully while in this negative state rather than immediately lashing out—which usually leads to regrettable words and actions.
How someone experiences anger is completely dependent on the person. A meta-analysis of 15 brain imaging studies found that anger is not tied to any specific brain region (Lindquist et al., 2012). This means that anger does not necessarily have a common structural brain area correlate (like fear), and is more of an individual behavioral experience. This individual experience can vary from mild irritation or annoyance to violent rage or fury (Smith, 1994).
Anger is an emotion… and so much more.
Anger can be experienced in a variety of ways including emotion, mood, and/or temperament (Fernandez & Kerns, 2008). The difference between each of these experiences is the length of time they happen. Emotions are momentary or short-lived, moods last hours or even days, and temperament is a key component of someone’s personality.
Everyone has experienced anger as an emotion. Maybe someone said something rude to a cashier or threw their trash on the ground which ignited a temporary flash of anger. These intermittent life annoyances may cause momentary feelings of anger which usually fade away naturally. Sometimes, these flashes of anger linger and turn into angry moods. If someone is in an angry mood more often than not, that person may have an angry temperament.
Common Anger Issues
Anger is widely recognized in the field of psychology as having a negative effect on most aspects of human functioning (Fernandez & Johnson, 2016). Excessive amounts of anger can have profoundly adverse effects on many parts of life and can cause physical, mental, and interpersonal issues.
Adverse outcomes associated with excessive anger:
Significant contributor to marital distress (Renshaw et al., 2010)
Exacerbates existing cardiovascular disease (Smith et al., 2004)
Long-term predictor of depression (Stringaris et al., 2009)
When anger starts to affect relationships or everyday functioning, a disorder may be present. While a small number of disorders are defined by anger, it can be a symptom of many other mental illnesses. The following psychological disorders are characterized by anger as a key criterion for diagnosis in the DSM-V or have anger as a major symptom (Fernandez & Johnson, 2016).
Anger-focused mental disorders:
Intermittent Explosive Disorder
Oppositional Defiance Disorder
Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Bipolar Disorder
Mental disorders with anger as a symptom:
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Major Depressive Disorder
Substance Use Disorder
If you feel that your anger negatively affects your relationships with loved ones, work, or any other essential areas of your life, it may be time to seek out help. You can search this website for resources in your area: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups
Anger & Depression
Irritability–an experience on the lower intensity of the anger spectrum–is a common symptom of major depressive disorder. A 20-year study found that parent-reported irritability in childhood was a predictor of self-reported depressive symptoms in adulthood. (Stringaris et al., 2009). This means that people who are irritable as children may have a higher chance of experiencing depression symptoms as an adult. If you, or your child, feel more irritable than usual, try some of the anger-coping skills listed later in this article. Consider seeking out professional mental health help if the irritability starts to affect your life.
Anger vs Frustration vs Rage
Frustration is a less intense feeling than anger; it is often caused by small annoyances or irritations. You may become frustrated if you spill your coffee in the morning or stub your toe on a piece of furniture. Frustration might lead to anger if these small inconveniences add up or if you are under a considerable amount of stress. If you start to feel frustrated, try taking a few deep breaths to manage your emotions and prevent the feeling from turning into full-blown anger.
Just as frustration is one step below anger, rage is one step above. Rage happens when anger becomes so great that a person loses control of themselves. This can lead to yelling and screaming–especially insults and obscenities–or even physical threats or violence. Rage can be dangerous for other people, especially if the person has a weapon or is especially physically strong.
Anger Triggers
Triggers are anything that induces an immediate, intense reaction. These will vary from person to person but will remain constant for each individual. This means that each time the trigger occurs, you will experience the same reaction. Recognizing your triggers will allow you to better manage your emotions.
Examples of anger-inducing triggers:
Hearing a mother criticize her child in a grocery store, the same way your mother constantly criticized you.
Asking your spouse repeatedly to put away the dishes, only to realize they are still in the dishwasher.
Misplacing your car keys, which makes you late for an important work meeting.
It is an impossible proposition to try and avoid our triggers; the world is too big and unpredictable. Learning to recognize what usually triggers your anger in you will help you react with less (or at least more controlled) anger to that trigger in the future.
When Anger Becomes Dangerous…
Everyone expresses their anger differently and there is no “right” or “wrong” way to express your emotions. However, sometimes the way you express anger can be detrimental to those around you. It is possible to learn skills to better manage your anger and regain control of your life through an anger management support group or formal anger management program.
Signs anger might be a problem:
Physical aggression intended to hurt
Verbal behavior intended to hurt
Actual violence (such as hitting) (Fernandez & Johnson, 2016)
It is never okay for someone to be physically or emotionally violent with you–or for you to be physically or emotionally violent to someone else. Consider seeking out professional help if anger has risen to this level.
Skills to Cope with Anger
If you would like to gain better control of your anger, coping skills are a great tool for when emotions become overwhelming. Learning to recognize your reactions can help you better regulate your emotions. It will take some practice before you figure out what skills work best for you. Keep trying and you can develop better anger coping skills over time.
Practice Deep Breathing
When you feel anger bubbling up, try pausing and taking three slow, deliberate, deep breaths. This pause will give you time to respond instead of immediately reacting with anger–a state where you might do or say something you do not mean.
Journal to Recognize Triggers
In general, there are usually common people, places, or situations that trigger anger. Gaining a better insight into what your triggers are means you can be better prepared when you encounter them down the road. Daily journaling is one way to do this.
Step Away from the Situation
If you begin to feel signs of anger in your body, step away from the situation. Simply giving yourself a moment to calm down will allow the first wave of anger to pass.
Scream it Out
Screaming into a pillow can be a cathartic experience to rid yourself of excess anger. To turn this up a notch, go out into nature, dig a hole in the earth, and scream all of your frustrations into Madre Tierra. Cover the hole and let go of your problems. Give thanks to the earth for absorbing and transmuting your anger.
Calm Down with Quotes
Anger is an emotion that can come on quickly. Learning to recognize your reactions can help you manage your anger more easily. These are encouraging quotes you can save to remember the importance of learning to try to react with less anger.
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” ― Ambrose Bierce
“Never respond to an angry person with a fiery comeback, even if he deserves it...Don't allow his anger to become your anger.” ― Bohdi Sanders
“Anger, resentment, and jealousy doesn't change the heart of others–it only changes yours.” ― Shannon Alder
“A heart filled with anger has no room for love.” ― Joan Lunden
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” ― Mark Twain
“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems―not people; to focus your energies on answers―not excuses.” ― William Arthur Ward
“Anger ... it's a paralyzing emotion ... you can't get anything done. People sort of think it's an interesting, passionate, and igniting feeling — I don't think it's any of that — it's helpless ... it's the absence of control — and I need all of my skills, all of the control, all of my powers ... and anger doesn't provide any of that — I have no use for it whatsoever.” ― Toni Morrison
Final Thoughts
Anger is a complex human experience. It can be an emotion, mood, or temperament and can range in intensity from irritation to fury. Many of us have learned to react with anger from the adults that raised us. However, we can work to re-learn how to handle this difficult emotion. Try different coping skills (such as deep breathing or distracting yourself) to gain better control over your anger. If you or someone you love gets so angry it affects everyday life, consider seeking professional help or an anger management support group.
I still struggle with anger sometimes but I have grown immensely in learning to recognize my triggers and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting blindly. Give yourself grace if you are still working on this. Healing from anger, especially generational anger, takes a lot of self-work and awareness. With time and practice, you too can rise from the flames.
References
Carver, C. S., & Harmon-Jones, E. (2009). Anger is an approach-related affect: Evidence and implications. Psychological Bulletin, 135(2), 183–204. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013965
Fernandez, E., & Johnson, S. L. (2016). Anger in psychological disorders: Prevalence, presentation, etiology, and prognostic implications. Clinical Psychology Review, 46, 124–135. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2016.04.012
Fernandez, E., & Kerns, R. D. (2008). Anxiety, depression, and anger: Core components of negative affect in medical populations. The SAGE Handbook of Personality Theory and Assessment: Volume 1 — Personality Theories and Models, 659–676. https://doi.org/10.4135/9781849200462.n32
Lazarus, R. S. (2000). Cognitive-motivational-relational theory of emotion. Emotions in Sport. https://doi.org/10.5040/9781492596233.ch-002
Lindquist, K. A., Wager, T. D., Kober, H., Bliss-Moreau, E., & Barrett, L. F. (2012). The brain basis of emotion: A Meta-Analytic Review. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 35(3), 121–143. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0140525x11000446
Renshaw, K. D., Blais, R. K., & Smith, T. W. (2010). Components of negative affectivity and marital satisfaction: The importance of actor and partner anger. Journal of Research in Personality, 44(3), 328–334. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2010.03.005
Smith, T. W. (1994). In Concepts and methods in the study of anger, hostility, and health (p. 25). essay, s.n.
Smith, T. W., Glazer, K., Ruiz, J. M., & Gallo, L. C. (2004). Hostility, anger, aggressiveness, and coronary heart disease: An interpersonal perspective on personality, emotion, and health. Journal of Personality, 72(6), 1217–1270. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2004.00296.x
Stringaris, A., Cohen, P., Pine, D. S., & Leibenluft, E. (2009). Adult outcomes of youth irritability: A 20-year prospective community-based study. American Journal of Psychiatry, 166(9), 1048–1054. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2009.08121849